my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
