U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
