I think I won the penis lottery.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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