Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
