the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
