He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
two words...techno handjob
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
