I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
