The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
