Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
