So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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