just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
