It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
