this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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