I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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