Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
