I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
