She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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