Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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