the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
