Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
