I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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