i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
