So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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