hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
