my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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