if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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