Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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