I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
