She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
