I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
