Do you still have your period?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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