see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
