clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
