I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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