I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
