Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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