like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We're too hungover to prance.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
