I haven't been this sober since birth.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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