Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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