she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
