I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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