I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
