you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
