My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
