I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
