wrigley field is MILF paradise
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sacagawea was the original milf.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just invented taco cereal.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
