Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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