you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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