TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
