i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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