I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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