i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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