Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
