I'm really into asian looking animals
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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