Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
