I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He better not be in your backpack
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
