Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
