she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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