Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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