I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
