the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
